Hands Clean
by 0oxymoronic0
Summary: Al remembered touching his brother, in a ghostlike sort of way. Elricest songfic.


**A/N**

**Songfic time! Yey! First ever FMA songfic. This song is sooo perfect. Dedicated to edelricfan on YouTube who originally came up with this idea, thank you SO much for letting me use it! I have decided to make this more fluffy than smutty, because sometimes I just need a break. I've now written over 150,000 words, and I only have you lot to thank. So thank you!**

**Disclaimer: Look, not even the idea for putting the song and the anime together is mine. You get the picture?**

**Hands Clean**

These feelings. These strange feelings. At first, Edward Elric deceived himself. At first, Edward Elric persuaded himself that it was just nerves, brought on by the fact he was facing the biggest day of his life; the day he had been striving to for so long. The day he had chosen to go down a path he knew he couldn't ever fully go back.

_If it weren't for your maturity_

_None of this would have ever happened_

Al watched his brother from across the circle. He ran his mind down the list of ingredients; checking, double checking, triple checking. He tried to remind himself why he was doing this, but he found that not one single reason presented itself from the brain which was trying to sidle away in embarrassment.

'It's to save Mom,' he reminded himself mentally. 'This is for Mom.' Again his eyes found Ed's, whose had paused from checking the circle to connect with his little brother's. They silently reassured themselves before, as one, they placed all four of their hands on the circle.

Only one of the hands would be lifted off.

_If you weren't so wise beyond your years_

_I would've been able to control myself_

_---_

Yet again Al found himself watching his brother sleep. Well, there wasn't much else he could do; how could a metal suit ever sleep? Everything about him which was ever human had been removed. Sleep was one such thing; entirely to do with a human state of mind, to rest and recuperate.

Al didn't mind not sleeping. Al got to spend more time looking at his brother when he didn't sleep, and Ed wasn't there to notice, Ed wasn't there to give him funny looks when he thought he wasn't watching.

_If it weren't for my attention_

_You wouldn't have been successful, and_

His brother. His nii-san. He felt – with whatever part of him still felt – a surge of pride. This was his big brother, a State Alchemist no less!

Al also felt guilty. He knew that his brother was only _really _here, lying in this bed in Central, because of what they had done; the most heinous of crimes, and they had both paid dearly. Al knew that Ed thought he'd got off lighter than Al – what was an arm and a leg in comparison to your whole body? – but Al knew that his brother was losing some sort of inner battle. Everytime Ed looked at him he was reminded of what he had done.

Al had helped him. Al had held his hand through everything; the exams, the trials, even through Nina when Ed had truly scared him right down to the bone – no pun intended. Nina had shown Al just how _angry _he could get, and this frightened him. He didn't want to see Ed angry. He didn't want to see Ed hurt; after all, he'd loved Nina too. They both had; they both had loved the time they'd spent together, in that house.

Why was everything they did just another lesson in how cruel the world can be?

_If it weren't for me_

_You would never have amounted to very much_

Al knew he had to stay with his brother. Even after everything Barry the Chopper had said, he knew it had just made them stronger. They kept trying to break them apart, but they never truly would. Ever. They would always believe in each other, always be there for each other, no matter what.

_Oooh, this could be messy_

_But you don't seem to mind_

Al remembered touching his brother, in a ghostlike sort of way. He remembered the sun, too; he remembered everything he could, even though he knew there was so much he had forgotten. Al wished he could touch his brother in the same way again, but trapped in this hunk of metal all he could do was watch other people touch his brother, and suppress the jealousy with the knowledge it was because of _him _Ed had got so far. It was because of _him _Ed worked so hard.

It was all because of him.

Al remembered the first time that he'd kissed Ed. Properly kissed; not just the peck-on-the-cheek Ed had given him when he was still on all fours. Kissing with tongues, kissing with sin. Kissing with love.

Ed hadn't seemed to mind. He just smiled back and kissed Al again, sloppy as it was, out of practice and out of touch. They were so young, but they felt so old. They didn't know it was wrong until Aunt Pinako walked in on them and hit them until they could hardly move. For such a small woman she could _really _wield a spanner.

_Ooh don't go telling everybody_

_And overlook this supposed crime_

He would've smiled at the memory if he had a mouth. Instead he just remembered one of Ed's smiles and relaxed back into his memories.

_We'll fast forward to a few years later_

_And no one knows except the both of us_

That was his brother. That was Ed, standing just in front of him with such a frown of disapproval on his face. He leapt out of the pile of armour and flung his arms around his brother, who he felt tense under such a strong embrace before relaxing into it.

He told everyone they'd never stay apart, and they'd all smiled before shaking their heads and sighing when they thought he couldn't see. They hadn't believed him. His mind wandered to Winry for a guilty moment before he stared at the Gate above him, his brother standing by his side.

Together.

_And I have honoured your request for silence_

_And you have washed your hands clean of this_

After that, there was no more kissing. There was no more touching. Al had his own body, Ed had his – well, nearly all of his – but he didn't try and touch him any more. Part of him wondered whether that was part of the reason that Ed had been so angry when Al had presented himself after the closing of the Gate; without Al there he could forget their previous sins, forget everything they'd once done.

Of course, Ed was his nii-san. Ed was his everything. He could restrain his feelings for Ed, he could keep them secret. He would do anything for Ed. He loved Ed in a way he knew he shouldn't – partly from Aunt Pinako's spanner, partly from that burning sense of _wrong _that just radiated from deep within him – but it was a way he knew he never would forget. Still, he kept his secret. He kept his love hidden deep down, and watched as Ed washed his hands clean of him.

_You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me_

_You're kind of my protégé and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me_

Ed watched the hunk of armour that was his little brother fight off yet another anonymous assailant, sent from Scar, the Homunculi, even the Military – it didn't matter. All that mattered was his brother's gently weaving form and the bright flashes of alchemy which he knew Al only knew because _he had taught him it_.

A quiet _thunk _of a footstep behind him reminded him of their current dire situation and with a bright flash of more of that unnatural alchemy his automail shot out and he speared the man through the stomach.

The man – no name, no face, just another enemy – fell onto the floor in front of him, small spasms of his body and juddering hiss of his breath the last reflexes of a body trying to revive itself, before everything went hideously still and the blood just pooled. His brother screamed his name – Ed flourished in that sound, that complete and utter _need _and _love – _before the words registered and he realised that there was yet another assailant, another man ready to die simply because he was on the wrong side.

What scared Ed the most was how _easy _it would be for him to be that man, or any other. What scared Ed _even more _was how easy it would be for _Al _to be the corpse lying at his feet. Well, foot – automail was never really him.

_I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian_

Ed knew that Al relied on him more than anything. Ed knew that any absence from Al's side would hurt him more than any weapon the Homunculi could throw at them. Unfortunately for the Elric brothers the Homunculi knew that too; it was what they relied on, time after time, that Ed would come after Al and Al would do anything as not to get Ed hurt.

Killing Ed in front of Al had been cruel. Then again, Dante was cruel, and Envy was – if possible – even crueller. It had been worth it, all that risk and danger, just to see the look in Ed's eyes when that _thing _penetrated him, and to hear Al's harsh cry. Envy knew he'd never forget that. And better still, he knew Al would never forget it either; adding hurt to the other amalgam of injuries the duo had already collected.

_I know you sexualise me like a young thing would and I think I like it_

Even after they rocketed through the Gate together, and closed it together, even after all they had done Ed knew that Al still… thought of him. Fantasised about him. It was pretty hard to ignore when you share a living quarters with him and he starts moaning your name in the middle of the night; on those nights Ed cursed puberty, Ed cursed human nature and Ed cursed himself for ever giving Al the slightest inclination that he liked him more than he should.

_Ooh, this could get messy_

_But you don't seem to mind_

Al had had enough. No matter how many times he _serviced _himself in the bathroom it was never the same as Ed's touch, Ed's laugh, Ed's kiss. It would never be the same. Ever.

So, one night, after trawling through some heavy science tomes and even some magical grimoires Al leant over the books and kissed him. He knew Ed would get angry, he knew that he'd probably never see his brother ever again, but this didn't seem to matter; only that his lips were on Ed's, and Ed's lips were on his, and they were kissing. That was all.

After sometime Al drew back, slightly worried Ed hadn't already done so. Ed was gazing at him in mild confusion and complete and utter love. The lust hadn't shown yet.

"Nii-san…" Al began, trying to think of some half-rational words.

"I don't care," he muttered under his breath, stopping Al from continuing. "I just don't _care _any more."

'We'll probably end up getting hurt,' Al told himself. Ed did likewise, or already had done on one of those long nights. 'It's just going to get messy.' But Ed didn't mind, so Al didn't either.

_Ooh, don't go telling everybody_

_And overlook this supposed crime_

Clothes flying, bodies moving, mouths twisting, brothers collapsing.

So sinfully wrong, yet so sinfully right. He didn't care anymore; neither of them did. They gave in.

Stupidly.

_We'll fast forward to a few years later_

_And no one knows except the both of us_

Al watched his brother over the few metres between them that felt like some deep gorge. "Hello, Ed," he said, niceties never forgotten. Ed merely nodded in his direction. "This is Ryelle," he said, gesturing to the woman standing behind him. "I thought you should meet her." His golden eyes, so carefully blank, merely regarded him over the small – yet vast – expanse that was in front of them.

"We'd really like you to come," she said nervously over Al's shoulder. Ed's eyes briefly flickered towards her before locking with his brother's again. "Please, it means a lot to Alphonse. And to me."

'Alphonse?' Ed's eyes asked him mockingly, but his mouth said nothing. Al lowered his head, ashamed, and Ed walked away.

_And I have honoured your request for silence_

_And you've washed your hands clean of this_

"Ed, please," Al called as he ran, grabbing his arm, just as easily shook off. "Ed, she's a great girl, honestly - "

"I don't care." Al winced at the words, partly due to their current meaning and partly due to the meaning they'd had all those years ago. "You do what you want with her. But please," he murmured, his voice beginning to break with the strain, "please don't ask me to be a part of it. That's more than I can wash away."

Ed turned and walked away again, leaving Al standing alone. Inside, Ed screamed at himself to run back, take him up, hold him, kiss him, do all those things you've just been _dying _to do over these long years, and you saw it in his eyes, he _wants _you to…

Ed ignored it. Ed kept silent because he had to, for Al's sake. Ed pushed Al away because, as always, Ed wanted Al to be loved. It was true, Ryelle was a good girl; he could see from the way her eyes looked at his brother with such concern, such love. It was a way he _wished _he could look at Al, but knew he couldn't. As for Alphonse… the only two times he'd heard Al called that by anyone close to him was when their mother would scold them, or when Ed finally released the name along with other parts of his anatomy after they'd 'danced' together.

_What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?_

"Ed!" Al was still running after him, and it dawned on Ed he always would. Al was always going to run after him, be there for him hold him. "Ed, please." He managed to grab his sleeve again, tugging him around to face him, and Ed blinked away the tears.

_What part of your memory's selective and tries to forget?_

"Why are you ignoring me?" Ed said nothing, proving Al's point. "Why won't you _talk _to me anymore? Ed, we used to share everything, why don't we – oh." Al's arm dropped from holding Ed's as the revelation slowly dawned on him.

"I take it you finally understand," Ed managed to say. His voice had deepened, eventually; he was even a little taller, Al realised with a smile.

"My God, Ed, that doesn't matter! We decided that we'd move on after that." Ed said nothing again, not trusting his voice. "That's why I moved out. Come on, Ed." Ed didn't respond. "Dammit, Ed, look at me!" He did so, reluctantly.

"I thought we'd chosen to forget," he said hoarsely, finally plucking up the words. Before he'd never been the one lost for words.

"It's not that easy, is it?" Al said with a smile.

_What with this distance it seems so obvious?_

Ed knew Al was close. Ed _knew _Al was standing roughly a metre away. But Ed also _knew _that Al was miles away, standing on some raised rock, not seeing him, not feeling him, not touching him. Al was _nowhere_. He hated this distance. He hated it _so damn much_. He knew that he could just reach out and touch him, and everything would be okay, but he also knew that it would just make everything worse. A lot worse.

So it was up to Al to make the first move. It was up to Al to cross that metre with just one of his now-striding steps. It was up to Al to sloppily kiss Ed, as it had been every other time. It was up to Al to push his brother into the hard bark behind him.

_Just make sure you don't tell on me, especially to members of your family_

An hour passed. Eventually, Ed collapsed beside his brother, who reached over and lovingly caressed his cheek, running down the hills and valleys of his face. They had no idea how they'd ended up back at Ed's, or even where Ryelle had gone; they only knew of each other, and the bed that groaned beneath them, and perhaps the glimmering light which allowed them to see each other.

They made a silent pact together to not tell her. Al made a silent promise to his brother not to hurt him, or to hurt her. To keep it a secret would be hard… but stopping would be harder. It would hurt them all in the end, he knew, but…

"_I don't care."_

He just didn't care any more.

_We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse_

Ed stirred slowly, eyelids flickering, body shuffling, squirming under the exposure of soft sheets and his brother's gaze.

His _brother's _gaze.

Ed knew things didn't get much more screwed up than this. Ed also knew he was prepared to do _anything _as long as Al kept looking at him like that. Like, he realised, he had done all the time. Every single moment, always, Al had looked at him with such love. Whatever you want to call it, or him, it was perfect. He was never going to let it go.

_I wish I could tell the world 'cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly_

Ed stood at his brother's side as Ryelle walked down the aisle towards them. Al, always scared to hurt someone, but looking so _adorable _in a three-piece tux clenched his brother's hand for support he knew was always going to come. Always. With a nervous glance at Ed and a smile from the latter Al married Ryelle.

It was Ed Al slept with that night.

Ed, propped up on one arm, surveyed his brother lovingly. Each rise, each fall in the milky skin he vowed to leave his mark on – though quite a few he'd done already. He tickled his brother affectionately behind the ear, causing a little smile to form on both their faces.

His brother was so beautiful when he slept. He wanted to show everyone just how wonderful being in love with his brother was; perhaps that was why he tolerated Ryelle. That and the fact he didn't want to see his brother getting upset about hurting her – which, was, sadly, unavoidable.

_I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body_

Al woke slowly to the sight of his brother, not his bride, on his honeymoon night. As his mouth opened to protest his brain engaged and he realised he had no idea where his wife was.

Shrugging off Ed's gentle touch and the still-sticky inviting sheets he scrambled into his clothes – still the three-piece tux – and ran out, leaving a half-asleep and even more shocked brother in his wake, before Ed remembered his brother was _married _now, and had concerns beside him. This made him happy; Al wouldn't have the _time _to constantly worry about him any more. Besides, they'd got what they'd wanted; everyone was happy in the end.

Right?

_Ooh, this could get messy_

_But you don't seem to mind_

Al managed to half-explain something to Ryelle about Ed and an accident with the buffet, before managing to make it up by them having a 'lie-in' for most of the morning. It took all of his resolve not to moan his brother's name as he came.

No matter how screwed up this got, Al would be happy. He was surrounded by the people who meant most to him, and they were all satisfied.

_Ooh, don't go telling everybody_

_And overlook this supposed crime_

Of course, no one was ever happy forever.

Ryelle found out.

No matter how smooth-talking Al could be, no matter how loving he was to his wife, nothing was good enough. Of course, the only thing which persuaded her not to go to the police at the least was the fact _she _had been cheating on _him._

This fact made Ed's blood boil. How could _anyone _be unfaithful to _Al_?! Wonderful, sensitive, loving, forgiving Al. It took _a lot _to simply not go round there and wipe those indignant tears of betrayal off her face with his rather unruly fist.

After a few late-night teary sessions they figured everything was back to normal. After all, the divorce would come through next month, Ryelle wasn't going to tell, and most importantly _they were back together again_.

_We'll fast forward to a few years later_

_And no one knows except the both of us_

Ryelle watched her ex-husband from across the court. This all seemed sickeningly familiar. "Ryelle, please." She said nothing, watching Ed's face over his shoulder. "Ryelle, we just want you to be happy for us."

"It means a lot to Al," Ed added from behind him. Ryelle merely closed her eyes and walked away.

Turning back to his lover Al sighed and Ed placed a sympathetic arm on his shoulder – all that was decent in 1940's Germany, where you could be locked up for even claiming your best friend was good-looking – and received a small, fatigued smile for his effort.

Together, shoulders brushing, they strode home, to their life of secrets and betrayal.

But most importantly, their life of love.

_And I have honoured your request for silence_

_And you washed your hands clean of this_

**A/N**

**Aww, I finally finished it! It's taken me **_**ages**_**. This is the longest songfic I've ever written – it's 8 pages – so thanks for sticking with me all this time. Please, you got this far, and a few words is all I ask for.**

**Thank you, Alichay out.**


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